Then this morning I had my second appointment at the gynecologist. The doctor wanted to check in with me about the birth control I've been taking and make sure I wouldn't be on my period for the wedding. (Because let's face it- we've waited all our lives for this and who wants to wait another week once you're married?!?) The b.c. has been pretty good to me- besides being nauseous now and then, there haven't been many side effects. I thought.
I got on the scale today and held my breath as the nurse kept moving the weight reader to the right. I gained nine pounds. Nine pounds in 3 months. I thought I may have gained one or two, but I would have never guessed nine. I cried right then and there and even as I type these words there is a huge lump in my throat.
What's ironic is that I have been feeling good about myself lately. I've been exercising regularly, eating well, and I feel physically strong and healthy. Just because the scale reads nine pounds higher, will that change? To be honest, it might. I've always felt hypocritical in this department. I tell teenage girls all the time that they are beautiful regardless of what the world defines as beauty...that they are a masterpiece in the eyes of God...that what society deems as attractive is twisted and unrealistic. And then I go home and have the same struggles as they have.
I guess I am sharing this because this blog is a place for me to be honest with myself and honest with all of you. I am broken and sinful and vulnerable and weak. I know my weight doesn't define me. I know Danny thinks I am beautiful and perfect. I know God has crafted me just as I am. Despite knowing and being sure of God's truth and the value I have in him, I still struggle. I probably always will. But God is good all the time and I will keep striving to dwell in this goodness regardless of what the scale says (and how snug my jeans are).
Please help me, friends, as I seek to live in light of God's truth.
Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
PS In case you're wondering, I am going to continue taking the pill. I am paranoid about getting pregnant. However, Danny and I have already decided upon an increased exercise routine. All will be well, with or without the weight sticking around.
you spoke my heart. I also feel so hypocritical most of the time. I struggle, really struggle. I am struggling right now. I know the truth and I know the lie, but it's not easy.
ReplyDeleteKay- I think you are one of the most beautiful people I know, never forget it!
Well...rest assured it doesn't show!!! Krystyn and I both thought you looked thinner when we saw you just last week! I think you gained 9 pounds of love in your heart for your hubby-to-be! And that...is a great thing! You are absolutely beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI think that is SO funny, not literally funny, but strange! I just saw you and told you how SKINNY I thought you looked. And I was being serious! I think your body has to get used to the hormones in it and then you will even out and probably lose. But you look AMAZING. So who cares what the scale says anyway!? I've already gained 6lbs and I'm only 9 weeks pregnant! :) Plus I think the 9lbs must be in your new bra size which is a great place to have it anyway :) You need to fill out all those sexy nighties you're going to be getting!!!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to know if you could write on the christian view of birth control? I thought it was not accepted? I am just looking for some insight and wisdom...not to be judging...
ReplyDeleteTo the wonderful anonymous writer...I heard this being asked to a pastor...the Bible (in the old testament) does say to be fruitful and multiply. This is the verse that is controversial to some when it comes to this (and it doesn't need to be). But be mindful, that back then, earth was hardly populated. It doesn't say anything against birth control, it's one of those topics left open and is something that is a personal decision between an engaged or married couple. If someone is to feel convicted about it, they should pray about it. It might not be right for you. But the way I see it, if God wants us to have children, it will happen with birth control or without.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
ReplyDeleteYes...this is one of the topics that is debateable, seeing that birth control pills are not mentioned in the Bible. I know that many Catholics disagree with it, but this is not as prominent in the Christian faith. I have some Christian friends that disagree with it and monitor their cycle with a calendar to avoid pregnancies. Others have no problem with it. Like Steph said, it is up for the couple to seek God in, pray through, and decide for themselves.
If you'd like to discuss this more, feel free to email me at kaylynmachelle@gmail.com.
Thanks!